theres only so much i can take. im at the bottom. officially at the bottom. ive been low as shit but never have i felt like this. its to the point that i dont even get mad anymore. i havent been mad in days. ive only been sad. i just wanna sit in my room and rot away. i am nothing to this world. no contribution here. imma waste. thats how i feel anyway. just wasting away here. no goals. no nothing. just me and my feelings. my out of control emotions. i dont even wanna joke or play around. i just wanna sit at my house and do nothing. no tv, no music. just lay. im stuck. really. this shit has been building up inside me... then disaster struck. im scared to go anywhere or do anything. Not like theres anything to do in this city but drugs anyways. drugs have gotten me no where. trouble. its true what they say about that shit. its a downward spiral... endless unless you have the self control to fight it. luckily, i do. ive been sober for 5 days. may not seem like long to whomever is reading this.. but they dont know me. i deserve a fuckin trophy or some shit.
i can feel everyone around me lying. i know when im being shit on... im done fighting all these pathetic people. imma just let em do what they want. i know whats really going on even though they think i dont. ill let em walk all over me. fuck it. what else am i gunna do? find some new people, trust them and let them shit on me? No thanks. I have plenty of shitty people in my life to do that already. might as well just deal the hand i was dealt... even though id love to throw all my cards in the fire.
Friday, September 23, 2011
9.23.11 537pm.
....i wanna blog. but what? just to bitch? about the same shit i bitched about last time?... at a stand still as usual. nothing. blank. empty. thats me.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
September 20th. 1112pm
I am now a statistic.
A legitimate statistic & I really wish I wasnt. So Im running away. This is deff. something that has to be done... HAS TO BE. I knew this place would be the death of me... I got close to it. Its scary to not feel safe in your own house. The house youve lived in your whole life. To not trust the city that you grew up in. Looking at everyone like they will do the same shit HE did. I feel watched, followed, lost, violated, and to sum it all up, insane..
Shit has gotten pretty crazy. Regardless of the past, I realized whos real even more then the last time I blogged. Caseys back & I never want him to leave my side again. I dont know how serious he is about runnin' with me but this time, Ive gotta do this before I end up doing something crazy here. Whether its me or someone else... Something even crazier can always happen.
Stephen... I never wanna see him again in my life. Ever. He hurt me... Betrayed, really. I always think that the person hurting me at the moment, is the one who is going to hurt me the most. Im really just lying to myself becuz I know the next person that hurts me it will be ten fold of whatever the fuck it is Im going thru currently. As dramatic as that may seem, its the truth. So help me God.
This blog seems to be all I have thats solid. Where I can just be here and be me and not worry about it. What people think or what someones going to say. This is me. True, unfiltered. Well thats kind of untrue. I believe if I said what I really wanted to on here, Id be catching charges or some shit.
Dueces. Fuck the world & Just about everyone in it.
A legitimate statistic & I really wish I wasnt. So Im running away. This is deff. something that has to be done... HAS TO BE. I knew this place would be the death of me... I got close to it. Its scary to not feel safe in your own house. The house youve lived in your whole life. To not trust the city that you grew up in. Looking at everyone like they will do the same shit HE did. I feel watched, followed, lost, violated, and to sum it all up, insane..
Shit has gotten pretty crazy. Regardless of the past, I realized whos real even more then the last time I blogged. Caseys back & I never want him to leave my side again. I dont know how serious he is about runnin' with me but this time, Ive gotta do this before I end up doing something crazy here. Whether its me or someone else... Something even crazier can always happen.
Stephen... I never wanna see him again in my life. Ever. He hurt me... Betrayed, really. I always think that the person hurting me at the moment, is the one who is going to hurt me the most. Im really just lying to myself becuz I know the next person that hurts me it will be ten fold of whatever the fuck it is Im going thru currently. As dramatic as that may seem, its the truth. So help me God.
This blog seems to be all I have thats solid. Where I can just be here and be me and not worry about it. What people think or what someones going to say. This is me. True, unfiltered. Well thats kind of untrue. I believe if I said what I really wanted to on here, Id be catching charges or some shit.
Dueces. Fuck the world & Just about everyone in it.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
September 17th. 1125pm
As hard as it is to remember the last week of my life due to overuse of drugs... The shit I do remember is all terrible. A cheating boyfriend/bestfriend. Bitches pullin' out knives becuz theyre too scared to throw bows. Alot of drugs. Excessive, really. Sober just isnt working for me anymore. This time, the heart that was left is completely & utterly destroyed. Ruined. Never to love again. This one is really the hardest, I think. Ive never had a homeboy do me soooo dirty. Ive been hurt but never by someone I got that close to. He used to be someone I could run to... Now Im running away and no matter how bad I wanna turn around and just be in his arm... I cant stop running.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
September 11th, 2011. 937pm.
I miss love. Real love. Genuine pure love. Ive had it twice. Only twice. I dont ever want it again. I miss being told how beautiful I am, and being touched as if I were as delicate as a flower. I miss being able to feel a rush go thru my body with every kiss. Im just not so sure I want to feel that again. Becuz I know how much it hurts once you lose it... Why cant love truly be forever? The love that I want. With who I want... Fuck.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
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